Perhaps great gifts come with great burdens.

Burdens too great for the human mind to comprehend. Because after all, we are dynamic and balanced individuals by design~light and dark.  Once we begin to understand that any number of us, given the story of his own battle, could have been Robin Williams, only then do we begin to understand the full potential each of us has to be a healer and a warrior of the human heart. 'Hurt people, hurt people.' The cycle must be first understood in order to be broken. 

Within "In Case of Spiritual Emergency", brilliant author Catherine Lucas helped to enlighten my own dark nights of the soul. (That  as well as incredible and ever-present spiritual mentor and support network.) Spending 14 days and nights in a mental hospital after the birth of my first born was hell on earth. And at a time where there should, in theory, be abounding joy in the wake of newborn snuggles and coos and deep, deep love. But it also awoke me to a stirring of my soul I had been ignoring.  A story over time that I will continue to integrate and feel confident in sharing more with an open heart. All of my demons from why I was here to where I was going to who I was came pouring out of my broken body, mind and spirit. I hardly knew my own name.  I hardly recognized my sweet Autumn that had spent 42 richly documented weeks in my womb after my return home.  I didn't even feel at 'home' any longer. The trauma ate at me from the inside out from dusk to dawn. The shame and anger and confusion and hopelessness was soul sucking.  I also became proof that many others know as well~pure joy can't mend the cracks alone, it is but a small component.  A newborn is the epitome of God's definition of joy yet when there is the dance of the shadows going on within a new mother, the joy, although a beacon of light, simply isn't enough to cover the dark.

I used to naively believe before that all problems could be left in the gym, on the pavement after a long run, at the bars on a Friday night, on my mat after a good yoga session and in my journal.  I used to preach and teach others this. I had to walk my own path to learn there was more to the balancing of a human soul. Lucas speaks of the 'Hero's Journey', a model created by mythologist Joseph Campbell. Using archetypal symbolism to chart precisely what it means to be human~light and dark.  I highly recommend it to anyone going through their own dark nights.  The beauty of the journey is, after all, all there is. 

And in the end, Williams did come full circle.  He ventured through all 12 stages many I'm sure over and over again. Because he brought with him, to the Ordinary World, the elixir in the form of his other worldly performances that made us all wonder where his delightfully maddening comedy and drama originated.  But alas, he became stuck between two worlds as he traversed The Road Back for only he knows how many times...many do indeed fail to make it back. But that doesn't mean their bravery and fearlessness and boldness shouldn't be remembered.  Williams did come back many, many times I believe, each time as a 'wounded healer' sharing his elixir with the world 

As I've dug deeper into my own soul and shadow over the years, and come to understand the world around me, I can now comprehend what Lucas speaks of towards the end of her book~the Global Spiritual Emergency. To those that have been through their own emergencies, the frequency of which we feel it is on many days overwhelming. 'With terror in our hearts and despair in our minds, our world as we know it collapses. Everything falls apart, falls away. We have to be prepared to let go of everything we knew to be familiar, to be of comfort", explains Lucas. Globally the process is no different~economically, environmentally, socially, culturally, morally~we are seeing seismic shifts. On Robin Williams death, Russel Brand parallels Lucas' theory on Global Emergency saying that Williams is but a canary in a coal mine, and I agree. Along with the events occurring in the Middle of the Earth there is a bigger picture to understand.  We all have the potential to live more mindfully and consciously on every level from our purchasing power to how we choose to respond, rather than react, to those around us. I look in the mirror daily to work on what I can and still know I have so, so far to traverse.  But every day I count my lucky stars that these two have inspired me to be more awake and alive and reaching for better days.

And as I speak to those who have traveled the dark nights their seems to be a similar thread throughout the tales of their lives~their hearts, though broken, are more open than ever. They make effort to choose kindness and love, courage and connection, vulnerability and understanding.  They see each human for his/her story, no two the same.  And these acts may not be easy, but I want to believe they are primal.  Encoded within the DNA of each one of us is the capability for all of these. After all, within the very way we refer to the body of our people is a foundation of gentleness~human KIND.  And yet I know the difficulty and complexity of both sides. The perplexity in understanding how someone can be denying happiness though it's right in front of the windows to their soul. And I know the terror and anger and despair and sleepless nights that fighting the shadow self brings. And the confused family and the detachment from 'normal' and the deep, deep sadness as to where your True North lies. 

But we each have a calling. And I believe within that calling is a journey that we can at times become terrified to make. But within the very definition of a journey lies valleys and storms, uncertain paths and heaven reaching mountains to climb. I've envisioned before the great explorers of the world halting at the first sign of distress~Christopher Columbus at the first storm on the Atlantic, Lewis and Clark at the first mountain they had to climb.  Yet they chose bravery and courage, and I feel even in the process of searching for our souls purpose, rather than new lands, we must do the same.  And if we could stop our human RACE and being human DOINGS and take the time to be human BEINGS (a whole-hearted thank you to my spiritual mentor, Dr. DeMaria for this distinction) then perhaps we would realize not one of us is exempt from The Call to Adventure.  And their may be many, many times that we Refuse the Call in the busyness of our lives. But it will keep knocking, and knocking and eventually barge through unwelcome and unexpected such as in combat, a life threatening event, an unknown trigger, an eating disorder and even the birth of a tiny miracle.  But try to look at this as only the beginning, a re-birth of the self.  And just as in the innocence of a newborn child and the newness of the world to their beautiful souls, so is the newness to your new world. Or the new world of a friend or family member who is answering The Call.  And what do we do with a newborn? We nurture and love, feed and clothe, sooth to sleep and have copious amounts of laughter and playtime sprinkled in the day. We're sensitive to their needs. There is nothing like having a baby that forces one to see the basic formula for life I would like to believe, and with a re-birth of the soul, perhaps this refining is only meant to take one back to the original rhythm we came from.  So if you know someone sitting in the dark, create space for them.  Sit with them, be with them, listen to them, connect with them.  Help them with their basic needs such as food, water, rest, sunshine and laughter.  Think in your heart this is in essence what we were created for~one another. And you aren't the hero in the story, they're the hero in their own story. You have your journey to take and only you can be the hero of your own.  They will find the answers along their path though it may be an agonizing and brutal and difficult process to witness much less undertake...but there is beauty hidden behind each and every twist and turn.  So don't be there to mend or fix the shattered pieces of their lives, be there to witness the unfolding as over time they begin to see the world through entirely new eyes. 

"Love came in the morning.
Standing as still as light...
How could I have dreamt of such a dawning
After so dark a night."
~Anonymous

Autumn's First Pumpkin.

This wasn't Autumn's first trip to the pumpkin patch.  Just one year ago Chris and I took a bubbly and adventurous 9 month old to see her first pumpkin and we can't quite get over that this sweet little babe who captured our heart with her giggles and grins.....

is now a running, curious and vivacious 21 month old determined to seek out all the wonders of the world in her own way.

And while this wasn't Autumn's first opportunity to see, taste, smell and touch all that is the bright orange orb, this was the first year for her to carefully select which pumpkin she would like to take home.  It was a lesson that as a parent, what we may think or perceive to be 'right' for our child may in fact be the complete opposite.  For instance, if the picking out of the pumpkin were left up to me, Chris or I would have went out into the patch looking for the 'perfect' match for our little Autumn.  It would be smaller than the 'mama' pumpkin, but bigger than the 'Arrabelle' pumpkin.  It would have been perfectly round with a sturdy stem.  It would have had the most perfect face to carve her very first jack-o-lantern out of.  Notice the blatant overuse of 'perfect'.

When the decision was left up to our inquisitive Autumn, she was fierce in setting out to select which pumpkin she would call her own.  I found myself pointing and saying 'how about this one?' and she would carefully pick it up, look it over, then drop it on the dusty, dry ground (thankfully no pumpkins were sacrificed in this hunt).

I could tell that her little eyes were scanning, carefully calculating and being decisive in her decisions as to which ones she would pick up.  I found myself redirecting her to the next row because with my quick scan I could see a far better selection of plump orange orbs, yet she was persistent in redirecting me showing me that she wanted to go down another row, one that to me didn't look promising.

And then all of a sudden, right in front of her bright blue sparkling eyes, she found her most perfect pumpkin.  It was slightly orange, somewhat yellow in pigment but was mostly covered with oatmeal colored blotches.  It had a stem, but then it didn't...

It was lopsided in shape and hardly sat centered.  It had scratches and holes in it, probably from the rot that was beginning to set in on the inside. 

 But if you recall from the Magic School Bus episode about rot, that doesn't mean it's about to die, because rot is very, very much alive says Miss Frizzle!  It had green spots and brown spots, and what resembled warts and boils.  If pumpkins were to have warts and boils of course.  

But it didn't matter what I had to think about it because it was your pumpkin, your first pumpkin that you picked out with your very own two hands.  You loved it so much that there was no way we could try to accidentally leave it behind.  You went back to it the one time we tried, and then after that we knew it was set in your sweet little heart that this was your keepsake pumpkin.  It had captured your spirit and in your eyes it was perfect for you.

It would be the one that we would take to the register and pay the full $6 for no matter what it looked like, no matter what the size, no matter that we predict it to have half the shelf life of the others and be closer to pumpkin pie than a jack-o-lantern as we near halloween.  

You see sweet Autumn, that pumpkin for me symbolized how you already view the world.  How everything no matter the size, color, shape, texture, or amount of life left you perceive it just as deserving of your love and kindness.  You don't see the world in terms of perfection or absolutes but instead a world of uniqueness and character, hope and faith.  I hope as your mother to assist in guiding that little soul of yours to continue to view the world as such.  A world full of beauty and wonder at every turn.  Even in the most unexpected places.  Even in the pumpkin patch that held what in our eyes was the worlds most ugliest pumpkin (I despise even calling it that in front of you) but in your eyes was the pumpkin that was going to turn into a carriage that would take you to the ball where you would then loose one of your silver slip ons that your dad bought for you that were too big and in turn your plastic prince charming from the little mermaid toy would whisk you away to live happily ever after in the land of milk and cheese.  Yes cheese, because your love for cheese is in fact greater than your love for honey, or cookies, or anything sweet for that matter.  

The trip to the pumpkin patch was by no means perfect.  For the second year in a row your dad and I both were drenched in sweat at the end, this time a bit more given the fact that we were taking care of you and your sister and chasing you down row upon row of pumpkins.  And past a sunflower field. And into a bin filled with corn.  You were exhausted too because you probably picked up, squat cleaned no less than 30 pumpkins with a face that typically looked like this...

So by approximately pumpkin 31 you looked like this....

I fed you the last of the fruit smoothie pouches in my purse and searched feverishly for the sippy cup that accidentally got left in the car.  Mom fail.  You were thirsty but it would have to wait until we paid for our pumpkins. Your dad then willfully chose to stand in the line that was at least 1 mile long, waiting with your fussy sister attached to him, while you and I headed towards the corn bin that you had eyed on the way in.  You had a blast while I sat on the side nervously watching as you threw corn about.  I sat amongst the 40 or so screaming kids ranging from a year to eight years old even though it was the most unpeaceful place on the whole farm.  You were smiling and that's all that mattered.  And you hadn't been hurt or thrown corn at some kid and made them cry so I was going to just sit back and let you bask in the awesomeness that was the corn bin.  

Your dad on the otherhand was battling the line and a barn full of screaming kiddos all so that we could have a family of pumpkins to decorate for Halloween. 

All so you could bring home your perfect pumpkin and give it all the love that it deserved. And the adoration you had for your first pumpkin didn't stop there.  You pushed it around in your baby stroller the following day, washed it in the dog bowl and dried it off with your sisters clean blanket and even said 'bye' to it as we left the front porch and loaded up in the car for errands.  You were nurturing it just as if it were a pet.  And if it's any indication of how you would treat your first pet (or dear, sweet sister?), you are certainly on your way to earning that gold star sooner than we could have ever fathomed. 

Synchronicity.

Synchronicity.  A term coined by the beautiful mind of Carl Jung to mean 'meaningful coincidence'.  Jung was moved by the sheer concept that life was not simply a series of random events but rather an expression of a deeper order.  An order beyond the grasp of the intellectual mind that transcends into the realm of an individuals potential spiritual awakening.  In relation to an individuals life, the idea of synchronicity has the capability of shifting an individuals egocentric conscious thinking to that of greater wholeness and awareness.

This concept, in my opinion, can be linked to the idea of symbolism, that 'everything happens for a reason', the 'butterfly effect' or even the idea that 'one can think of nothing as a miracle or everything as a miracle'. Jung believed that 'When coincidences pile up in this way, one cannot help being impressed by them—for the greater the number of terms in such a series, or the more unusual its character, the more improbable it becomes.'  

At what point in your life do you start to look around and feel that you are in one big wave of synchronicity just barely able to stay afloat of the rough seas that such powerful and transformative energy is bringing about?

In many ways these past few months have felt like an absolute blur of transformative events.  And in other ways some days and even hours felt like eternity.  We've all felt that way at some time in our lives.  And then there was the feeling of just when will life feel 'normal' again?  But then again of course what is normal? And better yet at this juncture of my own life, what is normal for raising 2 children under 2?

One of my absolutely favorite daily reminders is 'Happiness is a journey, not a destination'...~Souza.  It in fact sits as a magnet on my fridge just to be in plain sight so that I must intentionally read it. If this quote enough does not suffice as the reminder I need, I recall the extended version:

The journey of life has been a theme and a constant reminder in my life as the symbol of the journey were given to me by my mom and dad at both my bachelor's and master's graduations.    

But even with this reminder I get caught in the trap of thinking to the future. The next 'big thing', event or 'to do' just over the horizon that is waiting for me.  I catch myself thinking of the next phases of growth for my daughters pondering how 'the next phase will be easier' or 'I can't wait until they can _____ !'  And I have plenty of days where I think 'when x, y, and z are complete, then I'll finally feel at peace.' And then i realized a month had passed. And another month. And then several months and x,y, and z were only partially complete or still needing to be accomplished and even though I was intentionally practicing daily gratitude, I was still pining for the future and missing out on the beauty within the present moment. The here and the now.  My friend Meg posted a wonderful reminder about finding peace as well, 'Ego says 'Once everything falls into place, I'll feel peace.  Spirit says, "Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place."  I have been stuck I feel in what the incredible Dr. Seuss refers to as the 'Waiting Place'.  (Thanks to at least a twice a week reading of 'oh the places you will go' to little Autumn, I can almost reference this by heart...)

The Waiting Place...

.......Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

I became so caught up in the waiting place until I came up for air, looked around, and truly began to notice the order of events that were impacting my life were no coincidence. This was my life. These were my lessons. These were highs mixed with my lows. My trials mixed with my triumphs.  And then I truly began to look deeper and notice that I was exactly where I needed to be in life at each moment in time.  My true wake up call began with reflection of the following series of events: ( each and every one of these deserves a separate blog in their own right but with the infamous two under two stage of parenting, free time is at best 5 minutes here and there, this post in and of itself has been weeks months in the making!)

..::Chris and I had spent an incredible part of May traversing back to our roots in the Midwest.  I was at 32 weeks pregnant when we began it. With a toddler in tow. Over 3500 miles round trip. How we managed it, sometimes I don't know how, but we did and made a lifetime of memories along the way.  We stopped at our old stomping grounds of Manhattan, KS reflecting on how much had transformed in our lives since we called that little gem home from 2005-2010.  Autumn's namesake was birthed in that sweet, little college town.  Chris and I's love came alive and we set dreams for our future that enriched our souls.  We left after our one day visit feeling refreshed and renewed.  Feeling as if we just took in a breathe of our past that made our present moment seem that much sweeter.  We visited my grandparents in Ericson, NE and it truly was a trip that I had longed for since Autumn's birth.  We also had the opportunity to visit my Aunt Becky, Uncle Troy and cousin Becca in Elmcreek, NE where Autumn ran wild and free in love with the animals and farm.  We shared their great-grandchild and great-niece and cousin with them, counted the 35,678 steps Autumn took each and every day (at one point the child walked a total of 2.5 miles in the house alone in one.single.day!), we shared memories and stories that are meant to be told face-to-face and in essence it became a wonderful part of my healing since Autumn's birth and a part of my journey towards the emotionally corrective experience I was seeking with Arrabelle's birth. I love nothing more than to hear of my grandparents journey through life as they recount their days of raising their boys and the love they shared for one another that got them over every mountain.  57 years of love to be exact.  That's a lot of years, a lot of love, a lot of trials and tribulations filled with beautiful moments that changed their lives forever.  A lot of light and darkness and plenty of wisdom that they have gained over the years of their life together that bonded them so completely and so purely.

..::We then ventured to Chris's roots in Duluth, MN which has always felt like a place of retreat for me.  Something about the beauty of a little town sitting on a hill over one of the most greatest lakes in America.  Both at night and at dawn, in the winter and in the summer, each season that we have visited has been beautiful in it's own right.  The trip was spent spending time with Chris's entire family, celebrating his grandparents Golden Anniversary and sharing our little abundance of joy, miss Autumn Rose.  We stayed this time with his brother Zach and wife Lindsay who graciously donated their bed to this very pregnant lady and guest bedroom to sweet Autumn.  Chris and I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with them in the evenings especially when they returned home from work and us from our outings during the day.  We laughed about the past and shared our thoughts on the future.  We even had a date night with them thanks to Chris's parents watching little Autumn and enjoyed sharing dinner at an amazing local brewery.  We played by the lake one afternoon with everyone and all had some beautiful moments I believe just watching the kiddos play, laugh and learn together.

..::Then of those moments in life came that you just feel the world stop turning and everything halts in its tracks.  Where you can't quite fathom the rawness of a moment, the way in which it interrupts your every thought and changes you forever.  On June 11th, Chris received a phonecall that no older brother should have to receive.  His younger, Zach, had passed that morning unexpectedly and tragically.  Chris wasn't even home for me to comfort him but instead was away at Keesler AFB for training.  He had to drive the 4 hours back to our home that day alone in his grief, his thoughts, his darkness and his sadness.  Immediately when he walked through the door I had no words.  We only embraced and shared in a moment of disbelief together.  We were just in Duluth.  We were just laughing and joking and spending evenings talking about life with him.  That evening he was on a flight for Duluth, alone as well, given the fact that I was too pregnant to fly.  He would spend the next week reminiscing with family about Zach and finding strength in celebrating his life.  This is not easy.  Grief overcomes each of us in starkly different ways and it was a lesson to me as a wife to learn to support him in the ways that he needed at the time.  Zach will forever be missed by so many as he was loved by so many.  I know Chris has been able to find his own peace gracefully with each passing day as Zach has made the presence of his spirit known in so many amazing ways.

..::And then several weeks later it was time for our little miracle to make her entrance earthside in a way that was completely different from our anticipated hopes.  I still have yet to write Arrabelles Birth Story as I did with Autumn but the healing aspect of it lives on in every day that we are blessed by her innocent presence.  I love the differences in both her and Autumn's stories and as a mother now understand the importance more than ever to be able to talk about each of their uniqueness with them one day.  With Arrabelle I had an exhausting pregnancy, yet at the same time relaxing.  I had so much emotional processing and healing that I was doing from Autumn's birth and post-partum that I took each day as it came and let go of many expectations that I had had when carrying Autumn.  I was tired all.the.time and low on energy for a good portion of each of the trimesters, much of it also due to chasing a VERY active toddler around, wondering each day at times how I was going to manage the task of caring for 2 under 2.  But the miraculous thing is we are never given more than we can handle I would like to believe.  And I was reminded of that very thought once I became ill just 2 weeks prior to my due date with a liver complication called cholestasis.  I plan to divulge the details later in her story but for now I will say it is a very frustrating illness that left me sleepless night after night due to extreme itching. Not only does the liver begin to malfunction but the gall bladder does as well.  Being that I was 37 weeks pregnant, the medical evidence all pointed to needing to be induced by 38 weeks for the health of mother and baby.  My heart ached.  Our home birth went out the window.  My anxiety of being in a hospital for a birth once again increased tenfold until I came to realize within 24 hours of my diagnosis that this was one of those moments in time that I could not control, but I could control my reaction to it.  So I prepared as best as I knew how and took each intervention with stride.  The week before her birth was chaotic but I attempted with all my being to remain peaceful at heart.  I got a massage to calm my nerves and attempt to relieve the insane itching.  I saw my chiropractor a final time and received some incredible accupressure to assist in natural induction. I researched tirelessly about cholestasis and leaned on my midwife, Vanessa, for support and guidance and reassurance that we were making evidence based decisions.  So without avail, at 38 weeks I was medically induced and had the most amazingly short and healing labor I could have ever asked for.  I was blessed with some of the most incredible care providers at the hospital and a midwife who transitioned to my doula in order to be present for my birth in a hospital setting.   I came to realize as one who has a passion for birth that it's not about the homebirth vs. the hospital birth but instead the care providers that are attending to your every wish making you as the woman in labor feeling empowered along every step of your birthing journey.  Chris and I even joke that we opted to stay an extra day than we 'needed' to simply to get some additional rest and take in the peace and calm before we would head back home to begin life as a family of four with two sweet little ones under two.  We chose to use the peacock feathers in her newborn shoot as a symbolism of 'renewal' because that's exactly the feeling that she brought into our family at the precise moment when we needed it the most.

(photo credit: the amazing Whitney Port Photography)

..::I had a dear friend of over 7 years, Jess, come visit me several weeks ago.  She had a trip planned of playtime with Autumn, sweet snuggles with Arrabelle, beach trips, girl time, sushi and wine night and plenty of chocolate and good conversation lasting into the morning hours.  We both needed this trip to help heal various events going on in each of our lives.  Less than 24 hours after her arrival in Florida she received a call that would change her life forever.  A truly heartfelt friend and the love of her life at the time had passed the morning she had left San Antonio.  She was just now receiving word.  I'll never forget bearing witness to the conversation on the details of his passing.  I'll never forget the tears on her face as she became shocked with grief that he was gone.  But mostly I will never forget having the honor of being a part of those initial days of grief sharing stories of Tim, laughing and crying together, looking at pictures of their memories over the years together and above all just being a part of celebrating the beauty of Tim's memory.  There's something very raw and honest about sharing in someone's grief for the loss of a loved one.  The memories of someone's life can somehow transcend the overwhelming sadness and darkness at times and really highlight the sheer awesomeness of just being alive.

..:: Over a week ago I had the honor of witnessing the birth of my dear friend Vanessa's sweet baby girl Isabella and what an incredible birth it was.  It was another experience to see a labor where the western medical intervention was completely necessary.  Vanessa had acquired the HELLP syndrome during week 34 of her pregnancy, a disease that poses life-threatening consequences to both mother and baby if the baby is not delivered.  Another example of a disease where the only 'cure' to make mommy well is delivery of the baby. The experience was in essence exactly what I needed as a doula-in-training because every intervention was on the table, yet thanks to an educated mom and dad and a hospital staff that accommodated for many of the wishes that the birth plan held, Vanessa was able to feel empowered that she would be able to confidently bring little Isabella into the world exactly how she was intended to be.  I felt moved beyond belief to watch that mama and baby work as the team that they did to bring her sweet little spirit earthside with love and trust by all who were a witness.

Being at the very thresholds of birth and death and all the life in between these past few months has truly forced me to take a pause~ to simply be grateful for 'being', that beautiful place that we are when we are first born~ and for taking my next breath of fresh air. Remarkably though, through these events that have come into my life, I have witnessed the healing capacity that touching a new soul can bring.  

Arrabelle has been in the arms of her daddy stricken with grief at the loss of his brother, the first arms she touched in fact as she transcended earthside.  Her first opportunity to heal and know the power of healing were some of her first minutes spent here on earth~with her daddy looking into her eyes at the pure beauty of creation, of life, of miracles, of light.

She's been in the arm's of Jess as her world was transformed forever by the loss of her loved one.  The smile that she left on her face was remarkable and the light that she injected into her sadness and grief was astounding to see...

I have been a witness to the sense of peace and calm that Arrabelle could bring to my dear friend Alaina as she walked gracefully through the fiery trials of her spiritual journey, these past few months especially, and continues to inspire others, myself included, through her faith and devotion to her true north~to God.

These are just a few of the events that have impacted my life directly or indirectly in the past few months and there truly have been several more that I'm not even documenting in this space.  I began to find it no coincidence that the origin of Arrabelle's name means 'prayerful'~ she in fact has given more support to loved ones around her through her short 3 months of life already than many give in years.

Sitting in the waiting room with a sleeping Arrabelle on my chest for her 2 month checkup, I met a woman that encouraged my faith in the true goodness of humanity-she was a medical foster mom bringing one of her babies in who was 10 months old. She told a beautiful story of how she had 5 children of her own and one foster child she had adopted spanning from ages 6-28 y.o.  She said at one point there were 3 infant car seats in the back of her car-one set of twins and a newborn she was caring for. The goal is to heal the babies so they can be released into regular foster care for eventual adoption.  She spoke of how at almost 50 it may be time to retire from her 'job', but that she deeply loved what she did.

As I stared into little Dominique's eyes, this sweet foster moms little one, I could almost see the gratitude. This temporary mom was simply a passageway in his journey to his forever home. He will never truly know her, just know of her. She won't be the one at his first little league game, or the one taking him to the bus stop on his first day of school. She won't be the one at his highschool graduation, there to meet his first date or to send him off to college.  But she was the one who cared for him and loved him at his beginning when he was presented with challenges as he entered this world that most of us truly can't comprehend. He was given a fighting chance in this world because of her at a point in his life when he needed love and kindness and care the most. She won't be there as he continues his journey in a physical sense, but forever in spirit she will remain.

What I have taken away from this recent examination of my life was how truly important the seasons of life just as another Autumn Equinox has passed, Autumn's second in her lifetime.  I also felt an incredible sense of peace recognizing the inner connectivity that we all share. In a world that is drastically diminishing the importance of human connection, where competition and individualism seem rampant, those that believe in the value of how we were intended as human beings to be inspired by, motivated by, encouraged by, and of assistance to one another must continue to spread these characteristics that are truly part of the very fiber of human nature.  And so births a moment of reflection on my life, where I have come and where I am going.  After all a very wise man once said, "The unexamined life is not worth living, "~ Socrates.  It has been a long time coming that I hit the pause button on doing in life and spend some time reflecting on what is.

And shouldn't we all every now and then get off the cycle of working, doing, and consuming in order to truly listen to what our life story is saying of us?

A letter to our future babe.....

On some chilly day back in October, you began your journey into this world.  Starting ever so small, every so tiny, a vision of hope, love, and peace for your mom and dad.

We spent the initial months of your growth in my belly prepping ourselves emotionally and mentally for your arrival.  Your sister brought forth so many new life perspectives, such growth and such change for us that we were fearful at times that we couldn't handle that intense of an experience again.  We began to doubt not so much the decision to bring you into this world so much as we were doubting ourselves and our ability to be the best parents possible.  To work as the team that your dad and I know how to be but that we struggled with the first year with your sister.  We grew more private with our thoughts and emotions on your journey of growth week-to-week than we were with your sister not because you are any less special but because this experience for us was different.  We in fact were different and changed and we in essence, chose a completely different path for your journey into this world than we did with your sister.  A path that would assist in bringing healing to our family.

I have strived more than ever to continue on my own path of emotional growth all the while knowing that every thought, feeling and moment has the ability to affect you.  You have felt me at my best, and felt me at some of my worst.  You have sensed the vibrations of my tears and trickling of joy of my belly laughs at your sisters antics.  You have listened to the peacefulness of my heartbeat while in meditation and the strife in my heartbeat as I have hit many bumps on my journey through motherhood.  Feelings of being overwhelmed, and learning along the way that while I am by no means a domestic goddess, that I certainly try my best every single day to hold down the homefront while entertaining your adventurous big sister.  And in turn, all the while maintaining a sense of self.  You see little one, I hope that you hold onto something that as a baby you will know by nature,

"It is not selfish to fill your own cup so that you can pour into others.  It's not just a luxury, it is essential."

I hope that you are born with your dads big heart, endearing sensitivity, and quirky wittiness.  He has always had the ability to make me laugh and you will learn that as your mama, I tend to take myself too seriously at times.  I rely on your dad and your sister to help me see the lighter side of life.  I have no doubt that you will bring me just as much joy and laughter as they do.   And while we're talking about balance, I do wish that as I have been taking it physically more easy with you, that all of the yoga and meditation will make you an excellent little sleeper.  And if not, that is ok too.   The forces of nature sometimes can't be controlled we have learned. Your dad and I fully expect to not sleep for the next few years, but if you could help make that happen sooner than later you would be an absolute saint!

Your sister is growing to adore you already.  She has learned to say 'bebe' and point at my belly and a few times I know you have responded to her little pokes as she has become fascinated with my 'outtie'.  You will learn an incredible amount from her, after all she will have an 18 month head start on you.

She'll teach you to how to nurture a garden....

And that no matter what mom and dad are doing you can learn to do it too...

She'll teach you how to draw on the 'red wall' (and only the 'red wall').....

And how to relax, do some yoga, and read on a sunny afternoon....

She'll teach you that splashing in the ocean is one of her all time favorite pastimes already....

And that being outside and eating a few strawberries in nature can bring serenity to your soul (and belly)....

She'll teach you that loving on your fur sisters is one of the best things ever....

That you should tap into your inner creative artist on a daily basis (Autumn's preferred attire/seat for sketching these days...)

And being curious, exploring, and questioning the world around you is essential to life itself....

We're patiently awaiting your arrival little one and the immense love for you in our hearts is growing with each passing day.  You will quickly find once you come into our family that we by no means have it all together.  I will continue as your mama to live by the mantra that you will not remember the dirty dishes, dog hair, piles of laundry and the neverending 'to-do' list, but instead you'll remember the love and memories that we made.  In fact, your sister pulled one of my intention rocks off my altar table the other day and I found it in plain sight after I put her down for a nap.  Perhaps it was intentional, perhaps not, but none the less a sweet reminder of something that I try to tell myself everyday....And I truly needed it that day.

It's chaos on many days but we hope that you'll find enough love that your cup will always feel filled.

Sometimes your dad and I call you 'he', sometimes 'she', we don't know which one you are yet but are delighted to have the surprise when you make your entrance onto this big rock sometime in July.  Know that you will bring absolute joy to our family no matter what....while you're still cozy and growing stronger by the day inside the womb, I'll continue to just call you my little one.

All my love,
~Your mama