10 Things I Never Knew Until I was a Mama

I have been sitting with some of these thoughts for awhile.  They have all been fairly revolutionary to me at different points in time although I know to seasoned moms they are no new thing.  Simply par for the course of the beautiful mess called parenthood.

1.) Productivity of your days has a whole new meaning-  There are days when the phrase 'so what did you do today get's tossed around' and it makes my head spin.  Simply because I myself don't even know the answer until I come face-to-face with it.  Eat, clean-up, bathtime, clean, play, eat, cleanup, bath again, change a diaper, rock and sing away tears, pick up 1 million toys, and the list  continues on many days in a similar fashion.  Often times it's repition after repition which for someone who was used to less structure in her days is very.very.hard.

2.) Me time has NEVER been more valuable- Each mama is programmed differently I've discovered.  Some can go days without needing true 'me' time, but I am not one.  I didn't realize until I became a mama how I am programmed to NEED that time sitting in solace.  Whether I'm reading a book, taking a yoga class, eating a meal in peace or just sitting and breathing in silence I need to be able to just be by myself for at least an hour a day.  Some days it happens, others it doesn't, but it's a good week if on the majority of the days I can have that time to think for myself for that time. 

3.) Energy IS finitie-  We only have so much to give.  I have never, unless I was sick, truly had low energy.  I always could find the motivation or extra 'umph' to get things done when they needed to be.  To make it out for cocktails even after a long day at work or school, to get the gym even when I seemingly felt exhausted, to clean the house even when it was the absolute last thing I wanted to do at the end of a long day.  Even when I was pregnant I could somehow muster up the strength get everything done that I needed to and then some.  And this was even before the nesting instinct kicked in in the third trimester.  11 months post-partum and it is phenomenal how different the nurturing energy is day-to-day in comparison to the other types of energy I was used to expending.  It's a different type of energy.  One in which you literally have a being requiring all of you mind, body and soul and it is utterly exhausting as simultaneously wonderful as it is.

4.) Sleep is like a tonic you can't get enough of-  I never used to be the one that needed a lot of sleep; so I thought.  High energy levels always afforded me the ability to push through late nights of studying,  finishing up work projects, designing weddings, ect. ect.  Chris and I wouldn't raise an eyebrow at waking up at 2am to drive to the starting line of a 50 mile adventure race.  We wouldn't think twice about pushing through road trips half-way across the country with no sleep.  The truth of our lives 11 months post-Autumn is that sleep is THE most precious commodity on the planet.  We literally can't get enough of it.  It's remarkable how a little being can require so much of you between the hours of 10pm and 5am and all throughout the day.  Phenomenal how much those nighttime wake ups wear on you over the weeks, months, and dare I say years.  It's nothing new, revolutionary.  It's a right of passage into parenthood yet a topic so few talk about.   But it is a continuation of sleep deprivation in essence that we thought we had overcome.  Although the black circles under the eyes will probably continue, along with the frazzled thoughts during the day and the pining for a deep sleep at night, I keep telling myself how temporary and fleeting of a time this is in our lives.   At least I secretly hope.

5.)  I am no June Cleaver- Nor have I ever really sought to be, but I just thought somehow I would magically have more time in my days staying home with a little one.  I was humbled with how wrong I was.  On the contrary, it has been quite the opposite.  Maybe because I'm still a newbie on the block at the parent gig, I still haven't figured out the magic formula to 'getting it all done'.  I have accepted a whole new meaning to living in a home that is 'company' ready.  There are more imperfections than ever, more laundry undone, more dust bunnies and dog hair swirling, yet there is an age-old saying that says little ones won't remember any of it.  I am going to hold tight to the fact that Autumn won't remember how much dog hair she consumed.  At least I pray.

6.) You can't even use the restroom alone-  I have found the challenge to actually be public restrooms.  The occasions when I don't bring her carrier and it is just her and I running errands in the shopping cart, no stroller.  What do you do?  Again, another momism I have truly yet to figure out but a conundrum none the less.  Somehow I've managed I guess.  And now that we've begun a very loose structure of potty training, Autumn uses her big kid potty several times a day as of now, there is no peace and quiet in our restroom any longer.  Again, one of those small things that you take for granted throughout the day until you have a little one following your every footstep.

7.)  Cleaning takes double the time-  I have come into the living room where an entire basket of clothes that I had just folded is on the floor.  Walked into the kitchen to find almost the entire bottom level of dishes and silverwear taken out of the dishwasher.  Not to mention I have a very eager helper
when I vaccum who likes to 'walk' behind the vaccum as I go room to room.  Good practice for walking for her, yet it takes me three times as long to whip through 1900 sq. ft.  Not fun!  Overall what have I gathered from this experience? Patience, patience and more patience.  And satisfaction in knowing at least she's taking an interest in 'helping', this could be good fortune for the future!

8.)  You can go through the entire spectrum of emotions all in one day- I truly want to believe that it doesn't matter what type of person you are before you have a kid, you will have anger, frustration, sadness, estatic moments of joy, pure happiness, confusion, ect. ect. and the list continues.  I remember questioning why I was feeling certain emotions because I had never felt them in such a capacity before.  It wasn't of my character, it was truly unfamiliar.  So to discover that all of these feelings are completely normal was a breath of fresh air in a sea of emotional madness.  While motherhood is full of the sweet moments of little snuggles and angel kisses they are also full of sleepless nights, napless days, fussiness for no reason, and boughts of separation anxiety that leave you no free time during the day for yourself.  It truly can be the most wonderful yet maddening job in the entire world. Bar none.

9.)  Mommy brain is real-  Call it exhaustion, call it constantly needing to be mindful of yourself + (however many little ones you have) which includes cooking, cleaning, and packing for each of them every day.  It's a constant feeling of forgetting, a feeling of not having control, not having it together, feeling like a mess for whatever reason it may be.  It's not every day but at least several days a week and I know that again, it's a temporary bi-product of having a little bundle that rocks your world in a multitude of ways.

10.)  You can never LOVE too much-  Despite the chaos of parenting, there truly is something every single day that Autumn does that makes me ooh and aww and love her that much more.  It could be as simple as adding a new face to her already 2,437 faces that she performs, learning how to play more independently which affords me more time but also allows me to watch her little brain work, or picking up a new developmental milestone that leaves us all smiles as she grows from a baby to an eventual toddler..we can't believe that it's right around the corner.  And the love that you show, no matter how I feel or what was accomplished by the end of the day is truly, honestly, purely what matters in the mind of an 11 month old.  We're going to relish in that simplicity while it lasts!

On another note, I can't fathom that Christmas is 12 days away!  Autumn is ready, but 'Santa' is not!

The Art of Autumn.

The splendor of Autumn is in full swing. Although in the land of sunshine and palmtrees we aren't really blessed with a true changing of seasons but the brisk, cool air in the mornings and evenings is enough to begin to mark the transformation.   I can't take credit for the title of this post, it's inspiration was derived from the fall decor theme of Pier 1 (I give credit where credit is due).   Yet when I saw this on their latest magazine cover, it had me pondering all the meanings of my firstborns namesake.

Autumn's name was no accident.  I can trace my fanciful memories of this season of change back to my love of the apple orchards and pumpkin patches of Washington State.  Chris has similar memories of the falls back in his hometown of Duluth, MN. My memories as a child of Washington are plentiful and I take in a sensory overload each time I let my mind consciously wonder back to those days.  Dancing in between row upon row of any type of apple that you could absolutely imagine.  The sweet smell of victory in picking the first apple of the season and beginning to load the wheelbarrow with the seasons harvest.  The taste, crunch and texture of some of the sweetest apples I have ever tasted.  The pleasure I took in searching for just the right pumpkin.  I never liked the perfect ones, more the Charlie Brown type that I knew many would never approve of.  The memories go on.

Autumn is also a time of balance in the earths journey around the sun.  It's a season where change is the name of the game, where the bright colors of the summer and spring are balanced with the deeper hues of burnt oranges, dark yellows, and deep reds.  Autumn evokes harmony in nature, a season where great preparations take place as old man winter sits just over the horizon.  It's a time when colors come alive, when the old begins it's journey to fall towards the earth again only to be reborn in the spring. 

It's a season of harvest where those in the Midwest begin to 'reap what they've sowed' and if you're quiet enough, perhaps you can hear the buzz and hum of the tractors working from sun up to sun down to provide our tables with their bountiful harvest.  And just as Jason Aldean so rightly puts it in his 'Fly Over States', you truly haven't lived until you've caught a Harvest Moon in Kansas.  Thankfully, I can die happily knowing I have.  Autumn harvest, falling for Autumn, grateful for Autumn, the list is abundant.  The intricacies of Autumn are even more fascinating.  Since I was a little girl who began a very young obsession with this season it has marked a field day in the kitchen.  Now as a grown woman and an {always-improving} homemaker, I find myself nostalgic around this time of year when in the kitchen especially.  Fall in essence represents the spice of life.  Clove, ginger, allspice, and then there's my personal faves, cinnamon and Nutmeg (our little A's loving nickname).  These tastes of the season, along with another fave, pumpkin, make it into almost everything that I cook during this time of year.  From french toast to a cup of homemade chai.  From pancakes to chili.  From cornbread to cookies.  There is nothing that quite evokes the senses like a kitchen permeated with all of the best of the season.  And to add to all of that, I get greeted with this Autumn welcome after each and every taste test. (at least up until this point in her sweet, young life!)

The Autumn Equinox came and went on September 22 and it put an entirely new definitive spin on our phrase 'Oh the changes Autumn brings...'  10 months into parenthood and the emotional wear and tear that new parenthood has a way of bringing is in the midst of dissolving just as the blazing heat of the Florida summer is behind us.  It's quite remarkable what parenthood does to a mother, father and the unit as an entirety. ( I hear the first one is the hardest, and in fact it gets easier more manageable with the next).  In fact, author Nora Ephron equates it to 'A hand gernade being dropped into a marriage.' That quote came as a shock, yet resonated so pure and true. With furry I have demanded to know why the silence is so prevalent (and then I quickly remind my stubborn self that I most likely wouldn't have listened seeing as I had being a parent all figured out.  Before I became a parent that is.  Because don't we all?)  Why do we talk about all things related to 'what to expect when you're expecting' but NOT what happens when a child actually arrives?  Why is there so much sugarcoating and glamorizing of what amounts to be one of the toughest undertakings in our lives?  Raising a child is no small feat and yet it is becoming more apparent that in our hurried society we are missing the mark.   These little beings take time, nurturing, tending to 24/7.  There is nothing like having a child to take to you back to simpler times and be served a reminder as to what truly matters. But what is that anymore?  With my passion for nature and it's very presense deeply entrenched in my soul I found this quote incredibly fitting:

 "For many of us, life is jammed with rush, noise, convenience, and stress. There is little time left for contact with the natural world... Why are we living like this? Never in our history have we been so well off, yet living such poor quality lives. Is this all there is? Surely not." - Rohan Anderson, Whole Larder Love

It is of my opinion that in order to parent the best that we can, we truly, honestly, purely, deeply, must have an understanding of ourselves.  Afterall, that tender age of 0-7 marks us for the rest of our lives.  And to understand ourselves we need to strip the layers.  Or as one of my greatest teachers at this present time would say, we must spend more time being 'human beings, not human doings'.  Simple, yet so profound.  The paradox of my beliefs on this topic is remarkable so I discovered.  I am a yoga teacher teaching the power of quieting the mind yet since I was a child I have been a DOER.   Thanks to Autumn in all her splendor, I have been in the process of finding a very healthy balance of both, leaning more on the being end. I won't perform as well unless I'm in a place of calm, I've operated that way all my life.  The problem is, shutting out the chatter and listening to my very intuition and soul as a mother.  It has truly been more of a challenge than I thought.  We are all born with our soul, yet our society and culture has a way of burying it deep inside our beings. 

Just when I thought I had myself all figured out a rewiring took place in my mind after I had Autumn and change emerged.  True to her namesake, transformations occurred in earth shattering ways.  Ways at first I was fearful of and resentful of, yearning for that woman that I was before I became a mother.  Stripping myself of a good portion of my self-actualization and accepting Autumn in fully (figuratively and quite literally) has made me who I am today.  Stripping my direction and purpose that I thought I had figured out in it's entirety has given me perspective and experience beyond what I could have ever fathomed.  Allowing myself to breach the constructs of the concept of 'modern motherhood' has given me a laundry list of reading material that I am immersed in and mentors that I never would have had.  If I had it my way, I most likely would have been knee deep in what I considered the 'bible' while I was pregnant, Dr. Sears 'Attachment Parenting'.

My point is that I at one point thought that I would follow 1 book (or 2 or 3) and have parenting figured out.  I find it fascinating how I was caught in such a mind trap of thinking that if I had tackled everything up to this point in my life with gaining wisdom on the subject then parenting would be no different and I would dive head on.  I undoubtedly underestimated the incredible emotional wear and tear having a child has on a mother.  The truth is that we live in the information age where we find ourselves googling every ailment a child may have and scouring the information highway for every blog/article we can find on the appropriate development of an (*insert month) old.  (and I am 100% completely shamefully guilty.)  And then I asked myself after researching one day ...Why?  Why are we letting ourselves get so caught up in this concept of 'perfect' parenting that we have divided that which is supposed to bring all of us mothers (and dads for that matter) together-just being a mom (and dad).  Motherhood can be the most isolating job in the world and I can atest to those days that while my walls were filled with the joys of a tiny being in my home, I had never felt so alone in my life.  Our sence of community has dissipated and when we do get together at mom meetups, often it is then that some of the deepest conversations regarding comparisons originate.

Why do some of us feel the necessity to reinvent the wheel?  Sure maybe there are a few things that we want to do differently from our mothers, and their are cultural and generational differences on bottle feeding vs. nursing, baby carriers and sleep methods, but why are they, the mom's before us, oftentimes the very ones we are avoiding?  I thought it appropriate that Susan Maushart, the author of a book that literally changed my life as a mom, The Mask of Motherhood, mentioned that while we seem to be a generation that avoids 'old wives tales' like the plague, we will at one point be 'old wives' ourselves, most likely wishing for our children to perhaps take just a fraction of our words of wisdom from the 'battlefield.'

While at Panera Bread the other day a bright, older women approached Autumn and was just oohing and awwing over her smile and persona. (Autumn knows how to really put on the charm at this point in her life).  She made it a point to say 'Be careful mama, you wouldn't want her to choke on that necklace'.  You see, we got Autumn an amber healing necklace for her teething that is completely safe for babies, but somewhat of the 'newer' generation of moms (even though the indigiounous cultures have been using this concept for centuries).  The 'older' perspective that I had would have been very guarded about my decision to use the necklace, but with a smile I carefully explained the logistics and the woman nodded in agreement and replied 'Well, just another old wives tale you know, but then again, I have plenty of those for you!'  I laughed and told her thank you for her advice and for stopping by to say hi to sweet Autumn.  Knowing very well that 40 years from now I may find myself in the exact same position, approaching a sweet baby in a cafe and perhaps find an 'old wives' tale or two that I might choose to share and I hope that perhaps that mama will at least just listen.  After all, those 'old wives' tales probably worked at some point.  And the true beauty of the situation is placing greater honor and respect in the generations prior that have been through the 'mud and the muck', and without handy apps, boppies, bumbo seats, and binkies (gasp, something our generation knows so little about!)

So in full celebration of Autumn's first Autumn, I'm taking this as an opportunity to turn a new leaf.  To discover the true 'Art of Autumn' which means a welcome of transformation, perspective and balance to what has been a 10 months of just trying to 'ease into motherhood' when somedays I have felt as if I have been thrown head first, fast and furious, in.  I have never resisted change and so this time should be no different in my life.  It is my goal for this season and for the coming year to embrace this identity transformation as my own, finding harmony and peace in being comfortable with the mother that I am and that I am becoming. To tap more into the innate mother bear instinct that is prevalent in all of us and to be strong in my voice.  The temptations are there to be in a constant comparison, one mom against the next.  I truly want to be at a point where I am learning from other mom's and desire only the same in return. No two mom's will mother the same, no two children will be the same.  Creating an identity as a mother and owning it is more difficult than I had imagined and I know that the challenge will only continue over her years of development.  But after all, as a fellow mama put it, each little being chose each one of us specifically as a mother and there must have been a greater plan to it all right?


Here is to embracing the next few remaining weeks of Autumn in all of her origin.  To welcoming the flow of this season into winter and with it the balance of light and dark as the days become shorter and the nights become longer.  I found it fascinating that in researching the meaning of the Autumn Equinox, spiritually, it is also considered to be a time to reflect on the meaning of life.  For me, it has been a time to reflect on the changes that have taken place in my very soul since becoming a mother.  Changes which will only continue to shape my future ambitions and dreams beyond motherhood as well.

And finally, 3 months of a photo bomb of Autumn Rose enjoying 'Autumn' splendors....

7 months.

I have been behind the power curve that's for sure caught somewhere in between trying to be a healthy balance of an (anti)-supermom and still trying to get everything finished by the end of the week.  It's exhausting, and yet the list of to-do's never ends.  It only grows and with it my dreams, inspirations and expectations of what next check-mark there is that lays just over the horizon.  Because it's all part of life right? One giant to do list waiting for that spark in our mind to put pen to paper with one more thing to do today, or this month, or this year.  Looking back at the fact that Autumn was born 7 months ago seems like it was just yesterday in a sense but also eternity.  I can already see where as a mom you get stuck in the in between.  The place where you are waiting for that next milestone and urging them to use those muscles, that mouth and their mind.  Yet already, I find myself on occasion pining for the days when Autumn would randomly fall asleep on my chest in the middle of the chaos of the day and force me to rest with her for an hour.  Nap time is now scheduled and routine ( unless we're out and about) and is this way solely because I was blessed yet again with that child that does. not. want. to. sleep.  And then there are nights like tonight where she surprises me and I am able to snuggle with her, sing to her and rock her to sleep for over half and hour after reading her two books and watching her eyes light up with fancy.  I take a step back and cherish those moments.  Those moments of peacefulness, serenity and those moments that I know are fleeting.  I know the day may come when she may not want to snuggle into my neck, or that when I hear her cry when she goes down for bed all it takes is my hand on her heart and the sound of me singing a little lullaby to go calmly back to dreamland (note: this works some not all the time.)  The optimistic side of me denies that this day will ever come. 

So 7 months, over half a year has passed and might I just say that this little girl is well on her way to something big.  She has a spirit, and an aura about her that is brighter than I ever imagined.  Her cackle has a way to light up even my darkest of days and her spunk?  It's a marvel in it's own right.  The girl has p.e.r.s.o.n.a.l.i.t.y.  She's funny, smart, endearing, inquisitive, and all of the delightful things that a parent wants to begin seeing in their child.  She explores until she reaches any (parent imposed) boundary, she falls and then gets right back up, she stares at our face to study our emotions, she laughs out of the blue and with abandon, she eats and gets messy and doesn't care, she loves animals and is respectful of them (at this point the hair pulling is at a minimum).  She is so much already and yet she is a mere 7 months into her beautiful life.

 ~Don't worry, be happy~

Today I took out the book 'Oh The Places You Will Go'  by the great Dr. Seuss and it was ironic that my sister recently passed down her copy to little Autumn because it was 10 years ago in my high school AP Environmental Science class that I last remember reading this book and looking out into the big, bright world and wondering where I would be after I left the comfort of those walls.  One bachelors degree, one masters degree,  a marriage, a beautiful little bundle of joy and 10 years later and I find myself a very, very changed woman. Yet some things have remained the same.  I'm still searching, dreaming, learning, thinking and figuring out what I want to do when I grow up yet have found comfort and peace in my role as a mama right at this moment.  The now.  The present.  Autumn has been one of my greatest teachers in that respect.  Oh, and patience too.  Yes, the ever eluding patience that seems to escape somewhere in between a fussy baby refusing to nap and attempting to get into all things other than her toys. Thankfully we are learning early on something that I already knew as a preggo mama-to-be that little Autumn may not have the latest and greatest of the toys simply because the girl finds more entertainment in leaves, plastic spoons and dog toys than anything else at the moment.  And our budget is definitely o.k. with that.

The milestones that Autumn has reached are out. of. this. world.  I can't keep up.  It seems as if just weeks ago she was scooting....

 

And then B.A.M.  She's crawling like she's been doing it for months.

And crawling by 7 months wasn't enough for her. She had bigger hopes for herself.  And so she began to stand, all.by.herself...

 

She's a mini-person!  I get a smile but also a tear in my eye thinking of how far she has come!

Chris and I still haven't gotten over the shock I think.  The fact that when we hear her cry in the middle of the night or begin to babble in the morning we peek in to find her perfect little head popping over the rails as if to say 'Hey mom and dad! What are we going to do today?'

It's funny because I have read a few articles here and there mentioning that as a babies motor skills are developing sometimes their speech development will take a snooze because they can only focus on so many new things at once.  She went from the typical babbles and coos of a 4-5 month old, to dun da da dun.....her first word....DADA...Surprise surprise.  Of course Chris was ecstatic, but I promptly mentioned to Chris that the pediatrician says that it typically happens that way, that Dada is easier for them to enunciate than mama.  I may or may not have said that with a hint of jealousy, but in due time I know Mama will come out of her mouth.

And then just as quickly as her speech began to develop and she was saying all sorts of new consonants, we were back to oooohhhss...this time screeching ooohhs which are the sweetest of the ooooohhss and blowing raspberries.   Now one thing did develop and that's that she can perform both of these on command.   Her mimicking capabilities are top notch.

And while I'm talking about that sweet little mouth of hers might I mention that she has 2, count them, TWO little bottom teeth that makes for the brightest of two-teeth grins I have ever seen (partial I know).

What good are teeth if you don't have anything delicious to chew?  Autumn's palette has expanded far beyond the bananas and rice cereal that composed her venture into solids at 4 months.  She is onto the wonderful world of FOODIES and is consuming anything and everything in sight.   Just off the top of my head she's eating amazing things like avocados, mashed squash and sweet potatoes, eggs and bits of bacon, small slices of ham, black beans, strawberries, watermelon, blueberries, cantaloupe, honeydew, ice cream (yum), and dare I say she even had her first juice this month, the real stuff fresh from the juicer!

Aside from the milestones that our little Nutmeg has reached and left in her dust, we as parents are beginning to find our groove more and more every day.  Call it experience.  Call it confidence.  Whatever it is it feels like a good thing.   While life certainly isn't perfect, I feel as if I truly know Autumn's cues more than ever (I say this now knowing full well that they may change tomorrow.) 

We have a slight more routine to our days although nothing in stone.  We play A LOT more these days and I find it more necessary than ever to keep her little senses stimulated by taking adventures out on the trails, to the parks, the beach, you name it, Autumn has probably ventured there as of already in her 7 short months.  I told myself when I was pregnant there was nothing this girl wouldn't do.

As much as I anticipate the day that this little girl gets her wings and flies off to chase her wildest of dreams, I will forever have etched in my memory these days where it was just her and I in a rocking chair, making up lullabies and talking about our day (well, me talking, Autumn making her adorable babbles and raspberry noises that she has mastered.)

And without further adieu, I'll leave you with a little taste of our 4th of July photo shoot with Dad, whom I willfully got to don his blues and beret (with a bit of a nudge of course).  Pending that we leave the military lifestyle behind in two years and search out a new city to call home (completely dependent on both of our job opportunities), I wanted little Autumn to have a memory in the future of her with her daddy in his best dress.   Her little outfit was my first attempt at sewing clothes for her and let me say it was work! (And Auntie Lo-n made her fabulous headband!) I now look back at all of the outfits that my mom made for me (practically everything I wore when I was younger) and am in awe of all that she made for me.  Such a labor of love it was indeed.

7 Month Highlights:

• Stats: 19 lbs (as of her 6 month, can't wait to see where she is at 9 months!)
• Likes: WATER (pool, sprinkler parks, bath time), any and ALL food, making noise with every toy, 'scrunch nose face', the pups, sipping out of a straw like a big girl, staring/laughing at the 'baby in the mirror', story time
• Dislikes: boundaries, being left alone if we go out of the room, when the pups ignore her!