There has been no doubt over the past 6 years of our
marriage that Chris and I have connected and bonded over one another’s taste
in music. Over the years, our tastes in
music have remained roughly the same, but has evolved to have deeper meaning. It varies on our mood, sometimes even the
time of year. When we have been apart
whether Chris was on deployment, TDY or my stint in D.C. as an intern, we could
count on those songs that bonded us to hold us together and sustain us in our
time apart. As I write this I can’t help
but replay in my head ‘funny how a melody/sounds like a memory/Like a
soundtrack to a July Saturday night’, a lyric from Eric Church’s new song,
‘Springsteen’. Music has the remarkable
capability to move us back into a moment in time perhaps when we first heard a
song that truly moved us or to a time when that song or those lyrics has
incredible significance at a certain point in our life. There’s music to get us through those valleys
in life, music that helps us celebrate at the summits, and like bumps and
curves on the road, music that inspires change in our life. Once I started seeing life through the eyes
of being a mother, I couldn’t listen to many of the songs that I love without
thinking of Autumn and applying them to her.
I also began applying them to Chris’s new role as a father, not just as
my husband. I find myself tearing up now more than ever to any song that talks
about a father and a daughter and the special love that they share. Whereas before I could only apply it to
myself and my relationship with my dad and mom, there is now a whole new
meaning to the lyrics, an entirely new meaning behind life in it’s entirety,
that can be brought out in song.
Giving birth to new life and starting out these past few
months as now a family of three strong has been an emotional rollercoaster
ride. It’s amazing how creating life can
make you reflect on your own. The path
in which brought you to that moment just before birth can seem so perfect and
then all of a sudden when they make their grand entrance into the world, your
path can be crystal clear, yet foggier than London in the wintertime. You have new purpose, a little being that
relies on you for everything in life.
There is a whole new meaning to pride and love that is incomprehensible up
until that moment. So your old focus and purpose can do one of two things, it
can become clearer as well, or it can become a haze that haunts you from day to
day. Mine has been the latter and it has
been a journey already these past 6 months into finding more clarity in my
outlook on my life, separate from being a mother. It has made me reflect on who I am, my good
qualities, my flaws, and my direction. I
know what I am thinking and what I am feeling is not abnormal. Many mom’s go through what is defined as an
‘identity crisis’, especially those whose career direction takes a dramatic
shift after becoming a mom. I went from
working 30+ hours a week as a contractor, owning and operating what I define as
my ‘old baby’, Absolutely Fabulous Weddings, and teaching yoga several times a
week. I was busy, but I loved it. I thrived in it. I had direction, purpose, and satisfaction in
knowing where I was and where I was going.
Yet unknown to me at the time, the most important relationship to me was
suffering from this constant movement.
And while I’m pretty sure I cooked a little one that came out physically
stronger than I had imagined from my constant on the go busyness during my
pregnancy, once my life slowed down when I had her, I was left to reflect on
who I was. Its phenomenal how we can get so caught up in
the day to day that we can neglect nurturing relationships because it takes
time and energy and sometimes at the end of the day we have neither. I beat myself up at first and imagined the
‘simple days’ where ‘just being a mom and a wife’ was good enough. My grandma did it, my own mother did it, and
they have been some of the most influential women that I look up to in my
life. They didn’t have a specific career
track (although my mom wore many, many
hats in various jobs) and they didn’t define themselves by that mentality
either. They were women, mothers, wives,
daughters, friends, sisters, homemakers, financial managers, recreation
schedulers, nurses, chefs, teachers, and the list only continues. With
the current uproar in the ‘mommy community’ on articles with such titles as
‘Are You Mom Enough’ and ‘Women Can Have it All’, I have had to begin filtering
out the noise. Thankfully one of my best friends’ mom
pointed out ‘We can have it all, just not
all at the same time.’ That alone
has resonated with me and brought me more peace. The comparison game can get the best of us
all. But the stark reality is that each
of us has our own lives, our own circumstances, and our own priorities
throughout the day that are drastically different at times than others. And you
know what? That’s ok. Our children will be a
reflection of us on this colorful patchwork of life. In the end, they will all be different and
why would we want it any other way? The
writer needs an editor, the musician needs a band, the pilot needs a navigator,
and the doctor needs a nurse. We want
our children to all be team members in life, why can’t we mom’s be doing the
same?
~Future Appalachian Trail hiker?~
~Future master gardener?~
~ Future foodie extraordinaire?~
~Future patriot?~
~Future yoga guru?~
~Future mountain biker?~
~Future Olympic swimmer?~
In our recent trip
down south I chatted with Jenna and Meg about how we as women have truly
stabbed ourselves in the foot with wanting to be career women and raise
children. And I have been of the
borderline feminist mentality since I can remember. I blared Alanis Morissett and Sheryl Crow
from my bedroom, I played flag football with the boys and I prided myself on
being confident that women could stack up against men in the arena of life. I wanted the career that would provide me the
greatest purpose in life, that is after all why I went to college, and then on
to grad school, or so I thought. I can admit that my outlook has dramatically shifted in terms of wanting
it all and having it all as a woman.
Believe it or not, I was ‘that girl’ who thought at 6 weeks I would be
back to everything. Jobs, teaching, not to mention physically
back to normal. My expectations were
high, my outlook was selfish in a sense, and then I became a mother with post
partum complications and my world was turned upside down, literally and
figuratively in every way possible. It’s
interesting how trauma impacts us and in the short term we can’t see the
purpose. We sift for meaning but what
rises to the top is why me? That mentality can cloud judgment, thought
and frame of mind. But time is truly on
your side in the wake of trauma because the true purpose behind it begins to
surface. It may take weeks, months, and
even years but the clarity in thought you now have shines an entirely new light
on an event. And in my case, had I not
endured trauma, would I have had these months of reflection that I have and
shift in my focus in life? Potentially
not. Perhaps I would have stuck to my 6
week plan, would have been torn in 50 directions and suffered an extreme dose
of exhaustion and mommy guilt. For me, I
am thankful for the trauma already.
So how do these thoughts relate to my love affair with
music? Trauma can impact us just like
the lyrics from a song. The point of
impact can be overwhelming and hit you right in the heart. Then as the song plays out, it fills your
veins, spreads out over your body and seeps into your soul, changing you and making you feel more
alive than ever. Music has the power to
be a change agent just as trauma does. I’m reminded of a quote that a dear friend
from Kansas had on her facebook page (yes, a shoutout to that thing that I have
a love/hate relationship with)
‘It doesn't matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a
scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up.
But, maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe
going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us.
Maybe we have to get a little messed up. Before we can step up.’---Grey’s
Anatomy
Chris and I have connected over music now more than ever
since the birth of Autumn and have relived the glory days of those songs that
hold so many of our memories of our life before her, because staying connected
as a couple is something that I appreciate now more than ever. We’ve had the blessing to be able to see 2 of
our favorite bands in the past 2 months and the flood of memories that we relived
was intense for both of us. And just as
I had mentioned before, we can’t help but apply new meaning to many of the
lyrics. The power of emotion that came
to the both of us was something that we will
never forget. From Snow Patrol’s new
song ‘Lifening’, ‘This is all I ever wanted from life/this is all I ever asked
for’, to Coldplay’s old favorite ‘Fix You’, ‘Lights will guide you home/and I
will try, to fix you’, we pondered the new meaning to both of our lives, the
new bond that we shared, the forever attachment that we created to one another
in the form of little Autumn. I felt the
emotions all the way to my core, I teared up, we laughed and danced to so many
of the songs that have soundtracked our lives as individuals, as a couple and
now as a family of three.
I will never forget the impact and therapy that these 2
concerts and getaways have provided, nor the family and friends that have made
it possible. I am learning more and more that it is not what we are or what we have
that defines us but rather the quality of our character, the relationships that
we have with others, the priceless memories we make along the way and in
general, and our love for life, whatever form that may be. For each of us, the definition is
different. And just when we think we
have it all figured out, we most likely don’t.
After all, a very intelligent member of The Beatles once said, ‘Life is
what happens while you’re busy making other plans’. Rock on John Lennon, Rock on.
~A special shoutout to Aunt Julia and Uncle Josh for her first Beatles attire!~
