Before we knew how deep a love can be for a child.
Before we knew what joy the simple sounds of her laughter and giggles and coos could bring to our lives.
Before we truly knew what being a parent for the rest of our lives was going to be like.
Before we realized we had to take everything we thought we knew about parenting and toss it out the window.
But it has not been an easy year by any means and I have continued to attempt to indicate a healthy balance of the positives along with all of the unknowns that have rocked my world. But it's in the unknowns I firmly believe that we truly learn how to become the perfect parents for our little one. Quite a stark contrast to 'perfect parents' in general because no such thing exists. If it's one theme that I have learned throughout this year is that deep down inside there resides this feeling that the life you had before seemed so much more put together. I have since learned to let go of those years and embrace the beautiful mess that is currently our life with a toddler. Because truly, and honestly I never want to go back. I just want to have all the put-togetherness of life pre-baby plus having Autumn. Dream world I know.
~Our resident mess-maker but also mama's biggest helper~
Chris and I were challenged beyond belief in our marriage and it was hands down our toughest year yet. I hear that this is par for the course when you welcome a child into the world that tips the balance so to speak, yet I wouldn't trade any single one of the experiences. When you are confronted by one anothers 'shadows' through dark times it makes any relationship more real and truthful I'm convinced. We are determined we will come out on the other side stronger than ever and already in many ways have. I am grateful each and every single day that Chris and I walk this continuously changing path of life together. It's phenomenal how much our lives have changed in almost 7 years years when our first born wasn't even a twinkle in our eye. And yet, we know that life will continue to provide us with sweet surprises because what joy is there in a life that is perfectly planned? And is there such a thing? Our sense of control in life is at times illusive and there are greater forces in the universe planning things for us that we may never have even imagined. One of my greatest spiritual teachers this year, Michael Demaria, has wisely taught me that 'we can't control the river, but we can control how skilled and unskilled we navigate it.' We may even be surprised to find that one of our greatest purposes in life is forged from the very depths of the unfathomable rapids that the river forced us to confront.
Many resources say it will take you approximately 9 months to feel 'like yourself' again after becoming a mother (whatever that truly means because in fact, you are changed forever mind, body and soul). For me it has been about a year. It wasn't until this month, out on the trails with Autumn, that I felt that I was able to pick up some of the remaining pieces of my soul that I felt like I had lost post-partum. That same spiritual teacher I spoke of before told me that the Native Americans after any travels or major life events turn each cardinal direction and repeat a chant that calls their spirits home to re-center themselves, to reground themselves. The outdoors have been where I've always gone to refresh and renew, to hope and to dream, my therapy without really even referring to it as such. I found it fascinating to discover that as adults, going through any major life transition, we need approximately 1-3 years to fully adjust. It in fact makes complete sense. For me personally, I'm leaning on the later. One of my mantras for this year has been to go easy on myself anyways so asking for more time to fully adjust is difficult actually for someone who is already stubborn and hard on herself.
For a mama, each one of us going through our own identity transformations, it's life altering in more ways than we can fathom. I personally completely underestimated how much work a little one truly is~they keep you busy constantly! For me, leaving my 'other' work was a tremendous emotional adjustment, one that I still at times lament but wouldn't trade it for anything being able to see Autumn grow, learn, explore and discover her first year of life. I've now simply adjusted to a new, in my opinion, more difficult form of work. One where you're on call 24/7, no weekends sleeping in, no getting dressed up in the morning and looking sharp (yoga attire is the new norm), little adult social time~you're isolated a good portion of the day, no project is ever truly completed, and just when you think you have your to-do list completed for the day 75% of it probably needs to be re-done. There is always, always more cleaning, cooking and organizing to be completed. I probably should take a lesson from my younger self as to what my outlook would be on becoming a mother. I love hearing my grandma tell the story (and by all means, she tells it much better, and in a way more wittier manner than I). My cousin and I were a mere 3 and 4 years old I believe, I had just received my first cabbage patch doll for Christmas. Right away I got busy, dressed in my Christmas best, but I had work to do. I took out my ironing board and iron I had just received as well and started ironing clothes, Cabbage patch in one hand, iron in the other. Then I got out my toy vacuum and did the same, vacuuming in the downstairs while holding my 'baby' on my hip. Then in the middle of all of the furry after I went back to ironing more clothes I burst out in a true sense of childhood honesty and purity 'THIS IS HELL!' H-e-double hockey sticks came blurting out of my young mouth and my grandma says that everyone couldn't help but laugh at the truth. Because there are many days in my 'real' grown up mom world that it is n-e-v-e-r-e-n-d-i-n-g, exhausting and overwhelming. Amazing how much emotional intelligence we truly have when we are younger I'm convinced, that as well as a steadily developing sub-conscious that can at times predict our feelings in the future!
The rewards though? That's where the bread and butter is. Seeing Autumn come toddle into the kitchen with her puzzle pieces, or reaching up for my toothbrush when I brush mine because she wants to do the same. The way she is already babbling away, saying few 'english' words but saying enough to tell an incredible story. The way she shares everything. Or the way that she still curls up on my chest before nap or bedtime, tucking her hands under her tummy and curling her knees in towards her chest.
Just listening to her breathing is soothing.
Just hearing her little heartbeat is relaxing.
Just seeing her smile lights up my heart.
Just hearing her belly laugh makes me laugh right along with her.
And even the silent judgement that I may have passed before on how certain mothers mothered begins to shift into a new light because you realize that after a year of looking back on all that you learned, there is no perfectly right way to do it all. The best thing I did for myself was to put down the baby books when Autumn was just a month and half old and rely on myself and what worked best for us as a team. We know more than we think we do when we just listen to what our little one needs. They're all different and require different techniques. What works for one mama may not work for another. Having experienced and been exposed to an extreme variety of circumstances the first year of her life has given me the understanding and perspective of so mothers around me, as well as the ability to see where so many others are coming from.
From having a spontaneous, no intervention, unmedicated, natural childbirth to being medicated so heavily for post-partum complications that it was mind-numbing.
From having a wonderful (albeit brief) nursing relationship to having to put Autumn on formula for a multitude of purposes.
From working part-time and struggling through the beginning of my identity transformation to transitioning to a stay-at-home mama (escaping to teach yoga once a week) and learning to enjoy and embrace these simple, yet busy and trying times of raising a toddler.
From thinking I would cloth diaper daily to using disposable when I can't keep up with the laundry (which is more often than not).
From baby-led weaning all homemade food to spoon feeding jar food on hectic days.
The list could probably go on and on but those were the things I felt so 'sure' of during my pregnancy that I eventually learned to let go of (though some I'm still working on). Things that have been consistent with us that I knew would be constants are always making time for play and learning, escaping outside whenever we can to swing, walk on the beach or take a hike. Showing her as much of the big world that we can because deep down I know it's those connections that she makes in her brain from those experiences that will help continue her sense of wonder and curiosity. Every child deserves to hang onto that for their entire lives. And if there's one thing that Autumn has taught me that has only reaffirmed what Chris has passed onto me is to not take myself too seriously. To laugh whenever the opportunity arises and to relish in the present moment.
Lately I find myself fitting into a 'routine' that works with the way that I lived before Autumn. Spontaneous, easy-going and 'go-with-the-flow'. Attempting to be anything else was completely against my nature and I suppose that's part of my point. We all need to nurture and love our children according to what feels good to us, what is in our nature, and that inevitably will lead to the most contentment and happiness and believe me, your little one can read that. I know Autumn can. So some days it's nap time at 10, others at noon. Somedays we have an afternoon nap, sometimes not. Somedays all our meals are cooked at home and others we eat out and now that Autumn eats what we eat, she gets a treat as well. Somedays bedtime is 630, others it's 9. It varies. She varies, and then if-so-facto so do we.
I am forever grateful to the moms, family and friends around me who have given me tips/advice, allowed for venting sessions, crying sessions, laughing sessions and all who have served as a reminder of my true self. That just because you become a mom does not mean that is the only hat that you wear even if that is the hat that you wear the majority of the day. That even when you feel you aren't really ever 'put-together' you come to understand that is completely normal. There will be ups and downs with every phase and you truly never figure 'it' out (re: becoming a mom) I've come to believe. It's a process, and not a race to be won. As is raising a child.
One year later and it's still overwhelming to pack and load the car for errands out for the day. How is that possible I tell myself? It should feel like a breeze by now. But the reality is it will never be easy, but then just as the saying goes, anything worth having doesn't come easy right? And might I add I am editing this post after a rough, rough night of 2 hours of off and on wake-ups between 3-5am, preceded by a 2 hour fussy car ride home from Panama City from an appointment. Just one of those days. I always find comfort in those wee hours when I know that we as moms (or dads) are far from alone. Millions of moms and dads everywhere are up with you, exhausted, perhaps frustrated and if you're like me, at times crying right along with your little one. We're all soothing, shushing, singing too, rocking, swaying or feeding our angels back to sleep. Or sometimes not. Sometimes I find myself up at 5am pining for that first cup of coffee, eyes barely open, accepting the fact that there will be no more sleep that (morning). But we can sleep when we're dead right? That used to be my mentality pre-baby. I prided myself on it. Now I shamelessly admit to napping on occasion when she naps or just taking a break from doing. I believe at this stage in the game my body or mind wouldn't even know what to do with a full nights rest. At least that's what I tell myself for my sanity.
If it's one thing that this year has taught me it's to balance the yin with the yang. The body and mind sometimes needs rest and relaxation just as much as it needs motion. I've learned to channel the inner warrior through more time just being, and that has been a challenge in and of itself but one well worth the time and effort. After all, I think in all honesty at the end of the day we are all seeking that sense of balance. That affirmation that we are making every attempt to live life as complete as possible.
And I find myself having to look no further than my daughter as an example of what 'whole' and balanced living looks like. She loves and laughs with abandon, plays intensely, exercises her entire body every day, eats 3 healthy meals (+ 2 snacks) a day, is constantly sipping on water/milk/juice, she sleeps when she's tired (most of the time), takes time to dance in the middle of the day, has not a care in world what she looks like on the outside but is focused more on how she feels on the inside, she makes messes and snickers at them not concerned, nor knowing, the concept of 'perfection' or 'messing up', she doesn't hide her emotions and seeks to instead be nurtured through whatever it is she is feeling. We learn a lot from our children, I'm convinced, just as much if not more than we seek to teach them.
So here's to the next year of motherhood, growing, learning, and exploring right along side Autumn, allowing her at times to take the lead.
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